Several year before I left my medicine practice (anaesthesiologist) for long vacation but after returning from the vacation something was wrong. Some kind of inner harmony was gone. One day I was fine and after few week away confidence and sureness was gone. I had lost my personal intuition. There are two form of managerial decision making  logical and non logical and intuition came in the latter. Science use logic and observation to find truth while intuition seek truth through inner contemplation. In a mind sit memories stored away in oblivion which when cued returned to consciousness because temporary use for them has been found. Tough cases,  when fact are lacking and path forward is unclear intuition come as revelation. There can be no relation between reason and intuition not because they work through different side of the brain but like we can not compare finite and infinite, similarly we can not compare both of them.

In difficult case the feeling of certitude that accompanies intuition help thoughts come into action without this doctor like me hesitate to do anything. I entered that morning with shivering and my first patient was women who was going for IVF . I knew I would never mention my feeling of fear to her. She had history of asthma and also caught chewing gum which raise the risk of aspiration under anaesthesia . On one hand I debated to delay the case but on other hand the time period for egg retrieval must occur with narrow time frame. 

In past I made decision so easily however there is no exact rule for chewing gum but right now my mind kept floundering in a welter of indecision and confusion. The patient cried when I said we might delay thing and surgeon rolled his eyes. He was not out of line as a surgeon he respect my view. Life for doctor is full of pitfalls it is dangerous to be foolish and also dangerous to be intelligent and oversmart.

I take another opinion and she laughed and said of course she would proceed. Nothing had really happens to me but my anxiety aroused in me wild imagining and neither my knowledge my clinical experience dispel them. That morning I tried to look my old decisions that were built on a continuous flux of emotion, ideas none of them have beginning or ending. I found impulse was not a thing but direction of movement which simply is indescribable. Science and methods can give knowledge but knowledge it self is not sufficient in professional life.

After the patient lay down on the table , I prepared to insert the intravenous. I started thinking about angle of approach and plunged the needle with unnecessary force and mound of blue blood swelled underneath the skin , I missed the vein, nurse start staring at me . I finally succeeded in  third try.

Every time I was on cusp of making decision doubt was there to disturb me, I wasted much of my time and energy on thinking too much but there had never be time when doctor is doubt free thinking of that is illusion. By the end of the day I got back my intuition back. Science may explain why intuition gone but how it come back is mystery…..